Ella learns that her job could be in jeopardy unless she brings in a big client; Lauren goes on another date in exchange for money; Auggie remembers the first time he met Sydney.

No teens is always good news, let’s see how The CW handles being out of their wheelhouse.

On that note, Law & Order kicks off its twentieth season with “Memo From the Dark Side”:

When a young war veteran is found dead, Detectives Lupo and Bernard connect the murder to an attorney who used to work for the Department of Justice.

“Savior” is Smallville‘s ninth season opener:

Clark wants to start training with Jor-El; Lois meets John Corben, a new reporter at the Daily Planet; Chloe makes a request that drives a wedge between her and Clark.

I’m curious where Dollhouse is going after the great future episode they included on the DVD (or Blu-ray in my case). The second season gets underway with “Vows”:

Echo marries a wealthy British businessman connected to one of Ballard’s open cases; Adelle and Ballard make a deal.

Finally we get the sixth season of NUMB3RS which debuts with an episode entitled “Hangman”:

A job protecting a high-profile political activist turns into a manhunt as the team searches for a sniper with is sights set on the controversial figure.

We get the debut of Stargate Universe next week, and the return of Sactuary the following week, so Friday will have its moments.

A lot of people are excited for the debut of FlashForward, we’ll see how it turns out:

A normal day turns to chaos when everyone on Earth blacks out for 2 minutes, 17 seconds and sees events from their own futures.

The second episode of Bones‘ fifth season is entitled “The Bond in the Boot”:

Booth and Brennan investigate when a man is murdered for the undisclosed contents of his briefcase; the team looks for alternate funding for Wendell when he loses his scholarship.

The Vampire Diaries continues to be mostly bark… er, it’s not even that, it’s just angst. Anyway, the third episode of the freshman season is entitled “Friday Night Bites”:

Tyler’s attempt at embarrassing Stefan backfires; Elena invites Bonnie and Stefan to dinner; an act of violence shocks the town.

What will the replaced Charlie do? Don’t know if we’ll find out on “Night of Desirable Objects”, Fringe‘s second episode of its second season:

A construction worker goes missing after he is mysteriously drawn into an underground tunnel full of human remains; Walter tries to simulate travel between realities on frogs.

“Free to Be You and Me” is Supernatural‘s third episode of the fifth season, and with Sam and Dean split up I hope we get multiple cool story arcs:

Sam thinks about giving up hunting; Dean and Castiel team up to search for Raphael.

Fresh CSI is normally good but with the return of that heinous gap-toothed stick-figure Jorja Fox I’m not as excited as I would normally be. The tenth season debuts with “Family Affair”:

Sara Sidle returns to help the team investigate when a famous young actress dies as the result of a suspicious car accident.

Community‘s second episode, entitled “Spanish 101″, reinforces the main aspect that will keep me from loving the show: the spic factor. Foreign languages are irrelevant, and have been for decades, particularly this language. Learn something useful.

Jeff’s attempt to become Britta’s partner for a class project backfires; Annie and Shirley help Britta with her newest social-justice cause.

And finally we have The Mentalist‘s second season opener. My favorite new show last season returns with “Redemption”:

Jane and Lisbon are stunned to discover that the Red John case has been assigned to another team.

Well, it’s a pretty jammed night, even not counting the losers watching Survivor or the fags tuning into Gay’s Snorefactory.

Summary material comes from the TiVo program guide unless otherwise noted.

Gary Unmarried returns for a second season with “Gary Has a Dream”:

Hoping to set an example for his unambitious son, Gary decides to pursue his dream of becoming a radio sports announcer.

The fourth episode of Glee‘s first season is entitled “Preggers”:

Kurt tries out for the football team; two members of the glee club receive life-altering news.

Criminal Minds kicks off its fifth season with an episode entitled “Nameless, Faceless”:

The team profiles a killer targeting an emergency room doctor; Hotch goes missing.

The Beautiful Life‘s second episode (I refuse to use the TBL in the title, give me a fucking break) is entitled “The Beautiful Aftermath”:

Chris thinks his modeling career is over; Claudia tells Raina to focus more on her career and less on her relationship with Chris; Isaac decides to confront Vivienne; Marissa invites Raina’s brother to a party hosted by Nina Garcia.

A lot of people are looking forward to Modern Family, but with regular gay characters I don’t know how long I’ll be able to stomach it. Is Ed O’Neil enough to squash the fag quotient?

Jay has grown children, grandchildren and a gorgeous young wife, who has a preteen son of her own; all together they must bridge generational, cultural and social gaps.

Courtney Cox returns to network comedy with Cougar Town:

A recently divorced single mother explores the honest truths about dating and aging in a beauty and youth obsessed culture.

The sixth season of CSI: New York begins with “Epilogue”:

A shooting and its aftermath drastically change the life of a member of the team.

First a book then a movie, now ABC has it as a series. That would be Eastwick:

In the seaside village of Eastwick, three very different women discover bewitching talents they never knew they had.

There’s also the return of Law & Order: SVU but as I can only record four shows in a single timeslot I’ll be using NBC’s rerun programming to catch up with it (until The Beautiful Life gets cancelled).

Summary material comes from the TiVo program guide unless otherwise noted.

The third epiosode of 90210‘s second season is entitled “Sit Down, You’re Rocking the Boat”:

Harry shares his family problems with Kelly; sparks fly when Dixon meets his dream girl; Liam works on a mysterious project; the gang spends an afternoon with Teddy on his father’s yacht.

The seventh season of NCIS picks up where it left off with Ziva captured in an episode entitled “Truth or Consequences”:

With the weight of the past on their minds, Gibbs and the team go back to work, with DiNozzo and McGee beginning to search for Ziva’s replacement.

And the NCIS action continues with its new spin-off, NCIS: Los Angeles, offering the debut episode “Identity”:

Four months after being shot, Agent Callen returns to the Office of Special Projects and joins the Los Angeles team on a kidnapping case.

Melrose Place‘s third episode is entitled “Grand”:

After a fight with Jonah, Riley turns to Auggie for comfort; Caleb is furious with Ella when her director bails on a job; David makes an accusation; Violet makes moves on Auggie.

Warehouse 13 closes out its freshman season with an episode entitled “MacPherson”. Last week we learned it’s Warehouse 13 because it’s the thirteenth try, sort of like the Babylon 5 numbering backstory.

The team discovers that MacPherson is auctioning artifacts he has siphoned from the Warehouse shelves.

The Bruckheimer procedural factory cranks out the annoyingly e.e.cummings’ named the forgotten which returns Christian Slater to TV after last year’s failed My Own Worst Enemy:

Alex Donovan leads the Forgotten Network, diverse civilians, to identify “Highway Jane,” a young victim whose corpse was left in the woods.

Another failed show, another new show for the lead, last year’s Canerbury’s Law star Julianna Margulies returns in The Good Wife:

Humiliated by her politician husband’s scandal, Alicia Florrick musters her resilience and returns to work as a defense attorney, getting the case of a woman accused of murdering her ex-husband.

So we’re pretty jam-packed, not as full as last night, but looking good!

The fourth season of Heroes kicks off with two episodes tonight entitled “Orientation” and “Jump, Push, Fall”. TiVo provides a joined description:

A mysterious death pushes Claire into the spotlight; Angela worries that Nathan will discover his true identity; an unexpected visitor haunts Matt; H.R.G. and Tracy join forces.

Meanwhile House returns for a sixth season with a two-hour special, “Broken”, described by TiVo as:

House goes through detox, hoping to stop the hallucinations that tormented him; Dr. Nolan refuses to sign the paperwork to reinstate House’s license unless House participates in is own mental recovery.

The debut of Accidentally on Purpose looks pretty bad, but I’ll give it a shot. According to TiVo:

After a breakup from a charming committment-phobe, Billie finds herself pregnant by a fling with a younger man, but she decides to keep both her baby and its father.

The second episode of Gossip Girl‘s third season, entitled “The Freshman”, has the following TiVo description:

Georgina is determined to make Blair a social outcast; Serena tries to get even with Chuck; Bree and Nate decide to continue exploring their relationship.

Hope they keep the heinous Georgina’s appearance to a minimum, let that breastless freak stay in her new show.

The third season of The Big Bang Theory kicks off with an episode entitled “The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation” with the following TiVo description:

After tampering with Sheldon’s Arctic-expedition data, the guys follow him back to Texas, which threatens Leonard’s chances for romance with Penny.

Castle‘s second season kicks off with an episode entitled “Deep in Death”, which TiVo describes as follows:

Castle considers how to fix his relationship with Beckett and finish writing his book, but the pair must investigate a dead man tangled in tree limbs.

Finally we have the eighth season return of CSI: Miami with a flashback episode entitled “Out of Time”, with the following TiVo description:

As Eric Delko’s life hangs in the balance, Horatio finds himself reminiscing about the formation of the CSI team and how its members first met.

So, is everyone pumped or what?

For the second episode of its fifth season, entitled “Good God, Y’all”, TiVo offers the following description:

In hopes of defeating Lucifer, Castiel decides to search for God; Bobby’s friend, Rufus, begs for help when demons begin attacking his town.

Looks like we’re in for some fun demon killing!

My big hope is that Bones returns to form after the crappy season finale earlier this year. I don’t really care about Booth and Bones hooking up, just the fun cast camaraderie and icky mysteries.

In the premiere of its fifth season entitled “Harbingers in a Fountain”, Bones has the following TiVo description:

Angela’s psychic, Avalon Harmonia, alerts Brennan and Booth to the presence of a mass grave beneath a fountain.

The second episode of The Vampire Diaries inaugural season, entitled “The Night of the Comet”, has the following TiVo description:

Stephan tries to make Vicki forget who attacked her; Jeremy struggles with drug use and his feelings for Vicki; Damon reveals information about Stefan’s past.

The second season premiere of Fringe, entitled “A New Day in the Old Town”, has the following TiVo description:

Peter, unwittingly in a race against time with an ominous force, investigates Olivia’s visit to a parallel universe.

For the pilot for Community, TiVo has this to say:

A fast-talking lawyer finds himself back in school leading a study group after his degree is revoked.

Always great to have Chevy Chase back! Anything else peaking your interest in TV tonight?

With that said, tonight we say goodbye to Dark Blue while welcoming The Beautiful Life, which I anticipate will be quite the cheesefest. Beyond the hilarious real-life back-stage trials and tribulations, we have quite a few leaden performers front and center.

The debut episode of The Beautiful Life, which they hope has the catchy CSI-like abbreviation TBL in promotional materials, has the following TiVo summary:

Raina Marinelli, a model with a secret past, makes an unforgettable impression during New York Fashion Week; Sonja Stone desperately tries to reclaim her status as the reigning supermodel; Raina meets Chris Andrews, a new model from Iowa.

As for Dark Blue, the tenth episode of the first season is entitled “Shot in the Dark”, and has the following TiVo summary:

Carter is the prime suspect in the death of an undercover DEA agent; Melissa starts to pressure Ty to leave the unit so they can start a family; Jaimie’s boyfriend gets a new job in San Francisco.

So, anything else exciting tonight? Uh, not to imply either of those sound exciting…

Liam tries to apologize to Naomi; Dixon and Liam join the surf team; Adrianna helps Navid get an interview with Teddy; Ryan pursues Jen, who plays hard to get.

The surf team? Time for that ’80s staple: “gag me with a spoon.”